looking for 2020 fabula or perhaps the first crappy story back from 2018?
what can one do when losing the blissful ignorance?
can more knowledge ever bring divinity, or does it depend on blind luck?
should one even search for creation?!
in a world filled with destruction, or transformation as the optimist prefers to label it, life seens to try too hard to balance it.
and so suffering becomes the inner hell that ultimately moves life away from the eternal and peaceful resting embrace of stillness.
but when no amount of promised land above or tormented people below can keep the engines running, how can one continue the journey?
i do not know.
send real help.
i can't hang much longer.
...
one day later, i wanted to continue writing from the above.
and started to write my real story below...
a real story.
very different from the previous stories i tried to write!
yet too similar to my typical useless writing that nobody cares to read. specially not me!
i will never read this again.
anyway, wasted a few hours to create this new dump.
because some people who probably love me keep asking me "how are you?". and some do not ask, but ping. and some do not ping, but show up for no reason.
i know they all suffer from the same lack of love i do. and i love them, but i can't offer all they need.
yes, the real neverending nothingness got nearly eveywhere already. love became just a story.
i truly hope this can at least give them a better clue. because i really wish we will all find peace soon, and nobody will need any saving.
this story "obviously" have more TK that i bothered to mark, and requires much more context than i will ever be able to write or even remember.
...
i got profoundly sick in 2007, when i went 26 years without any real love.
too many people say, nowadays, most men will never feel love, some will be lucky to feel it at least from their mother.
well, i still have my mother's, and perhaps even my father's, and now sister's ever since she had children and lost her husband to cancer.
but with them i will never know if the love stands as real, no matter how deep i can feel it, because of social pressure to the bloodline.
and i need to know! i mean, for my own health.
so i rather simply think they fool themselves. it ain't real love. again, just my own "unique" (very sure more people share this) mind process.
also, in practice, they never changed their lives to really try and live with me, ever since i acquired the *magical* responsibility to provide my whole life for myself, after 18 laps around the sun. society strikes again.
not to mention all the issues around sex, of course... only a woman can provide that kind of love, so let's go crazy about it, shall we?
yes, i got really "lucky" to find a woman in 2009 who really loved me.
or did she? you tell me, dear eva.
i now cry in sadness, as i write about her, only because i still remember her embodiment.
no, she did not die, but our marriage did. she killed it! because i got too blind to see i never wanted it. and she could finally find herself, even when stil blinded by her own self, in midst of so many broken emotions, given the natural femine ability to just feel.
what marriage even means at this point?!
i needed love. remember? i got profoundly sick.
then why "lucky" with quotes?!
well, my life extended for 13 years after that. but at what cost?
i did not know back then, as i felt already much better, in my ignorance, because i had the most difficult girlfriend for those 2 years. no sex, no kiss even, just the real love promise. she kept me in a figurative leash.
and i also did not know, after my marriage death, that i did not need just any woman to love me. so i found another victim to fill up my holes. and ended up learning about my boundaries. fuck, i still hate that word.
i need a deep connection. deeper than any amount of words or communication can provide. to find my real soulmate, somewhere, anywhere.
if i get surrounded by beautiful women, as a man born in this patriarchy, i will have a better chance to find it, won't i?
perhaps i can even find it through the shared experience of my favorite rock star, can't i?
or i shall just keep finding it in every single person i meet, as long as i surrender myself to each moment, shall i not?
i got exhausted.
just need my home. any home i can simply lay down, and get good care, until i can get up again.
i will be more than happy to do any kind of action to pay for all my bills. any shitty job. i don't need much. i grew into a lot of minimalism.
but nobody wants a 42 old man who lools healtjy and can't build a fucking castle.
nobody wants to take care of anyone else, really.
i miss her.
source 20250117Z1433